Rumours have started that Saints have got a couple of southerners - possibly of the Jarpie persuasion - lined up for the coming season. Your fearless reporter has been investigating and is ready to lift the curtain on these man-mountains of the High Veldt so meet...

SARFY SPECULATION

Monstrus van der Terminator 

A well-grown second row at 2.15 metres and 140 kilos, Monstrus' representative career seems to have come to a bit of a grinding halt since the notorious "foot and mouth outbreak " in a match in Northern Transvaal, though we must stress that the evidence at the time was strictly hearsay and circumstantial, no witnesses having been willing to step forward to testify on oath. Readers may recall that Monstrus had been involved in an ongoing series of incidents all game with his opposite number, Groaner von Damage, culminating in a 20 player pileup which the referee only managed to part after 5 minutes, Monstrus being the last man up, leaving von Damage on the ground with his foot lodged in his mouth. Fortunately medics were able to get von Damage breathing again, but it remains to be seen whether his foot graft will be entirely successful. In the meantime, Monstrus maintains his innocence, and claims he is misunderstood, always having been of a mild or even timid nature.

"Look, mate," he said "I'm here because I want to learn how to place-kick and I heard Paul Grayson was the man. That and collecting butterflies. Heh heh."

"We're looking forward to Monstrus helping to mentor some of the young lock forwards at the club; a good role model is always important" said Saints' boss Jim Mallinder.

Hasnonek Kollossal

Known as an uncompromising loosehead prop, of traditional build, he feels that South African forward play has become slightly too effete for his taste, perhaps due to the influence of the ELVs. He is confident that northern hemisphere referees will "find a way to &$£*~# slow it down " and relishes the prospect of some nice mud in the winter, although he's hoping the damp weather won't affect the arthritis in his two cauliflower knuckles.

Asked what had drawn him to sign for Saints and whether he had heard much about the club, he replied that it was all due to a chance personal recommendation. "Mr Pagel told me the last prop he sent over got lost and legged it off to another club, so I was to get over to Northampton a bit quick and do as I was told - and if I promised to behave myself he'd let go of my ear . It sounded like good advice at the time. Where is Northampton anyhow, somewhere in New Zealand, ya?"

Head of Performance Nick Johnston was heard to mutter the words "sweat chamber" on hearing of Hasnonek's measurements, but otherwise declined to comment.

Sprintaboy Roadrunner

Well, it seems like every year South African rugby comes up with a new sprint sensation to run circles round poor old Joe Rokocoko in the super 12,14,16-whatever. Sprintaboy is this year's exocet of choice, having first come to prominence outpacing former Saints' favourite Wile. E. Human.

"I tried to congratulate him at the end of the game”, Wile E said afterwards but apparently all he said was "Beep Beep".

In a written reply to our questions Roadrunner said he was leaving South Africa for fear of mounting attacks by employees of the Acme Corporation involving 16 tonne weights

Mr Mallinder said, "Sprintaboy will bring some depth and pace to our back 3 play. We plan for him to do a lot of his training down the road at Silverstone and we reckon with a decent run of games he'll be interesting the Saxons "

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